Saturday, 25 July 2015

A book...

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You know when I wrote my blogpost on what it is I want to do with my life? Well loads of people told me I should write a book. This is not me announcing that I'm writing a book because I am so not doing that. I understand why people would want me to write one beceause I suppose from an outsiders perspective my life might appear interesting and I write this blog so it's not a massive leap to go from Blog to Book really but I suppose for me, it is.
 
Firstly I personally am not sure how interesting my life really is, I'm not sure my life is worthy of a book. Don't books have about 80,000 words or something ridiculous? I'm not sure there's 80,000 words to write about my life; I was born ill, I got more ill, nearly died a few times, waited too long for my transplant and then got it, that is the story of my life in a nutshell hardly worthy of a whole book.

People I think, think that because I can write a blog that therefore means I should easily be able to transfer those skills and apply them to writing a book. I find it hard enough writing this blog somedays because I'll have a train of thought that seems quite coherent in my brain but then as soon as I try and get those words out and express them to you guys it just doesn't seem to happen, there are so many blogs that have been started and never finished because I just can't get the words out into a coherent train of thought that will make any sense to anyone else and a book can't be just random thoughts it has to be something that very clearly has a end goal, somewhere to go. 

I think for me as well, by writing a book I would have to go back to some really dark and horrible times. I was a very positive person but there are times in my life that I would really rather not go back to that I would definitely have to do if I were to write a book because as much as I don't want to go back and feel those emotions again they are what got me to this point but I don't want to feel them again. I don't think you could write about all those feelings and emotions without really feeling them again and remembering them. I don't want to go back to feeling the anxiety and fear I used to feel and I just feel there would be no way to avoid that if I were to start writing a book. At least with my blog I can minorly address something from before but it's a minor fleeting thought that I don't really have to feel but I can imagine writing a book would be a very intense process that I just don't think I could put myself through. I'm all about protecting myself and if that means not thinking about things and emotions that I know would be too hard for me to deal with I'm not going to do it. 
 
I personally don't believe that my writing style is appropriate for a book either. When you read this blog you are very much reading me, what I'm writing and how I'm writing this is how I speak this is very much ME. That isn't a bad thing, I very much like that this is how I write because it means you are getting a true sense of who I am as a person so if you were ever to meet me in person you could be quite confidant that I would be the same person I am as the person you read about. That being said that does under no circumstances mean that it would be good enough for a book. Can you imagine an entire book of my ramblings?! I think I personally would want to tear my eyeballs out but maybe that's because its me and I generally cringe and want to tear my eyebaalls out at anything I do. 
 
Then there would be my opinions. I wouldn't be able to write a book about my life without a few opinions on certain aspects of it be them PH, transplant, the list, other patients, hospitals etc. I am a very opinionated person and I can imagine some opinions I have would offend some people and I would really rather not do that so I would rather avoid putting myself in position where that would more than likely happen. I think also a book would mean delving deeper into my life than I currently go on my blog and I'm not sure I would be entirely comfortable with that I'm really selective about what I share on anything and even people who are close to me are surprised to find out some things and I think writing a book it would be very hard to avoid going deeper into my life than I am comfortable with. 

It would also very much mean addressing things that I haven't even currently addressed myself. So many people constantly ask me about what it's like to have another persons heart and lungs in me. Now I suppose this is a perfectly reasonable question for people to ask and I get it, I do, but I'm going to be compleltely and totally honest with you guys I really haven't been able to connect the two together yet. I know that's going to be hard for some of you to understand I mean how can you not connnect the two together? I can't explain it to you in a way that you'll ever get it but I don't feel like I have another persons organs inside me so it's very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that, that is what has happened. So when people ask me these questions I tend to swiftly avoid them because I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to deal with that yet and I'm not naive enough to believe that when writing a book I could avoid that topic.

I'm not sure maybe one day I will when I feel like have a grasp on things more and maybe one day I'll think "Yep, let's do this! Let's write a book" but that is definitely not now.

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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Friday, 24 July 2015

The first bad day...

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Okay so I've titled this "The first bad day" but I mean it's not been bad as in really bad it's just been bad because I have my first bug since I had my transplant. I've been throwing up and just generally feeling quite awful all day which has been "really" fun I can assure you. It's been very strange because I've been SO well since I had my transplant to suddenly not be able to really get out of bed has been weird to say the least.  

Now normally this wouldn't really be an issue but with throwing up that then means I've probably thrown up pills which being post transplant is not a good thing. Luckily I only managed to throw up one called Itraconazole which basically helps me absorb one of my immuno-suppressants we think I managed to absorb some of it so it's not a massive issue it's just going to make me worry till Wednesday now. The rest of today was basically spent on me focusing on not throwing up after taking any pills because I did not want to add that to my worry list.   

I haven't been too worried about it though because everything else is fine like lung function, temp, weight etc. I think this experience has just been a learning curve for my family because now we know how easily I can pick up bugs from little people so whenever anyone is ill I will be staying far, far away. It's a weird thing to get used to I think because even though I was ill before I still managed to fight off bugs pretty well and never really caught them too often so to suddenly have my pretty great immune system stripped from me is definitely something I'm going to have to get used to I kind of thought I was going to get away with not getting ill because I've been around quite a lot of people recently and who knows what kind of bugs they all had so now I'm kind of worried that it's going to catch up with me. Well whatever the case it either will or it won't happen and I seem to be dealing with this one okay so hopefully anymore I'll be just as resilient. 

I also forget that I'm only 8 weeks post transplant so I'm still pretty "new" but I feel like I should be able to do all the things I want to be doing like being around people and my body is still getting used to this whole immunosuppressed thing so I obviously can't be doing that. The weather has been awesome though I don't know why but just seeing and listening to the rain makes me happy and it has just been non stop raining today so the world obviously knew I was ill so wanted to cheer me up :). 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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Tuesday, 21 July 2015

What next...

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Do you know what the most common question is I have received since having my transplant is? Besides the obvious, How are you? How are you feeling? 

What are you going to do now? 

Every interview and person I have come across since my transplant has asked me this question and the honest answer is I haven't got a freaking clue. I lived the past year thinking I was going to die and not really thinking or believing I was going to get the chance to do or be anything and now I can and it's like my brain is on freeze it just doesn't have a clue. What do I want to do? 

I know I'm going to do my last exam for my degree but following that I really have no idea. I'm kind of regretting my decision to have done a history degree now because I did it more out of interest not thinking about what I would do after it because I really didn't think I'd be here to do anything after it. I should have done a business degree I was good at business that could have provided me with some opportunities after my transplant. 

I know as a kid I wanted to be a lawyer during the day and then a doctor at night because that was totally feasible in my mind, then as I got older I wanted to be someone who travels that then moved onto me wanting to join the RAF which I think I would have actually done had it not been for the fact that the RAF don't even accept people with asthma let alone someone of my medical standards so that idea was scraped. Finally I landed on I want to be a teacher. Now I'm thinking about it, do I actually want to be a teacher? I love my nephews more than anything on this planet but 3 hours with them and I'm done. Could I cope with a classroom full of 30 odd of them? Then there's the whole immune suppressed thing I'd have a cold every bloody week the amount of germs that go around schools that also applies not just to younger children but older children and teenagers as well. 

Ideally I'd just like to have fun for a while and think about it later but like anything in life you can't just go gallivanting around and I'm actually going to have to think about it at some point I just wish I had some idea what I wanted to be, or become. How do people make this decision and not regret it later? I really don't want to end up doing something just for the sake of doing it. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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