Recently I have started to get a bit down about still waiting and even with minor ups like I had the other day no matter how marginally better I am that happiness only lasts for so long, I then remember that I am still waiting, my life is still on hold and there is nothing I can do about it. I try not to let it get to me but I'm only human and it is a constant niggle in my brain that is becoming so, so hard to ignore my will power is waning. Then I go on Facebook and see all these extremely deserving people getting their transplants but then I can't help but ask myself what am I doing wrong? What is it I need to do to make this happen for me. There is no answer obviously I just so happen to land in a category where it is very hard to get a transplant. My blood group is O-, but that therefore means more people need the organs but there just isn't enough organs to go around. I'm in a weight bracket that is highly competitive as men also are in it. I suppose the one thing I do have going for me is that I have no anti-bodies but then I suppose if a low antibodies person came up they would want to give it to some-one with quite high antibodies. It's all quite complicated and quite depressing when I even try to think about it because all I can think about is the many, many reasons why I won't get my transplant. I feel completely lost in the pack of cards that is transplant awaitees, not even a card really probably the joker that gets shoved to the side before you play the real game and then they get lost because people forget they took them out in the first place. I wonder if that is what they do when they get a donor they take you out of the running because of whatever reason then they completely forget you were there in the first place.
This is all making me very bitter and I honestly hate that side of me, my personality is happy chipper Stacie who perseveres and doesn't let things get her down. I've decided I need to come off of Facebook for a while I'll still post my blogs on my "Life is Worth The Fight" page but just generally I can't be on there seeing things and getting upset about them and things that just remind where I am in my life. I need to try and get me back. I'm not sure how long that will take but I think I need to do it because otherwise my friends and family are just going to have to deal with a quite broken Stacie by the end of this whole journey and not the strong willed enthusiastic person I consider myself to be.
I will still be posting blogs just on my "Life is Worth the Fight" page, I will still be on Twitter as I'm not on that, that much anyway and there is always Bloglovin as well :). I just won't be scrolling through my Facebook feed, posting on my personal Facebook or on groups for a while. I just need a break from it all, that's all.